


Draketooth Family Shenanigans

by EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne



Series: Shenanigans [1]
Category: The Order of the Stick
Genre: Aton the Makeup Company, I kept having to rewrite ch 9 so it wasn't dark and angsty af, Multi, SO DRY, So many family members, The Woe of Living in the Desert, This will update I promise, if dragons can growl then they can purr too damnit, so hot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-01-16 14:54:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18523816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne/pseuds/EtchCantrellorLightningHeterodyne
Summary: In which Girard is sibling three out of four, Kanta crosses and ocean just to sleep with a paladin so she can piss off her little brother, Vodka Aunt Serini gives the children glitter, 'It's not a phase I'm Lawful Good and I'm gonna join the Sapphire Guard because you don't understand!', Aton's most loyal customers all have similar weird tattoos, the teenagers throw a rave and Girard wakes up next to Julio Scoundrel, and the toddlers ONLY want to crawl in the hallways with traps in them.





	1. Aton's Most Loyal Customers

Girard Draketooth deeply regretted calling his family to help him out. And not just stealing Soon’s Gate, or something, because he’d actually managed to forget how awful the desrt was during his time freezing his ass of at the North Pole.

Then again, the weather up there kind of made you think you’d never be warm again, so it wasn’t quite his fault.

That didn’t change the fact that he, Kanta, Tiran, and Sami were all trudging back into Aton’s shop for the fourth time that week, because the Draketooth clan had unanimously decided that they all hated having dry skin and Aton was the only place for hundreds of miles around that sold decent lotion. 

“I can’t believe Orrin straight up  _ stole _ all of mine,” Tiran groaned. “Girard, your kid’s an asshole.”

“Well, we all know where he gets it from,” Kanta said in the same cheerfully homicidal tone she used when her younger siblings had annoyed her to the point of threatening murder.

“His aunt,” Girard replied, in the same bouncy and murderous tone.

“The four of us have been back together as a family for  _ three weeks _ , and Kanta’s already planning our untimely demises. And Girard, you’re responsible for the salvation of the planet, I should think you’d have grown out of these petty arguments.”

Tiran, Girard, and Kanta gave Sami the same deadpan stare they’d been giving her since she’d started trying to make them responsible adults. As the youngest of four siblings, however, she was immune, since she’d been putting up with their bullshit since her first birthday (they hadn’t been allowed to be properly mean as siblings until then).

The tiny desert town had one street lined with shops, and the largest of them all was the one belonging to Aton. 

“Marching order,” Kanta said. Girard glared.

“I’m the one who saved the planet.”

“I’m the oldest. Tiran is the second oldest. You’re the second youngest. Sami is last. That’s marching order, and you don’t get to change it. Dad said so,” Kanta said smugly.

“Dad’s  _ dead _ ,” Girard griped, “And he only did it so we’d stop shoving each other.”

“Marching order.”

“Did you put up with a  _ paladin _ for eight years?”

“Marching order.”

“Savior of the world.”

“ _ Marching order _ .”

“If you’d been stuck with Soon for as long as I was you would have gone batshit insane and you know it, and that’s why you’re clinging to any scrap of potential superiority you can.” 

With that, Girard stuck his nose in the air and went to stand between Sami and Tiran, because there were very certian days when he was too tired to argue with his older sister, and this was one of them.

Kanta went in first, and the saleswomen at the door greeted her by name.

“We’re buying way too much of this stuff,” Tiran muttered. “Like, you and Kanta should absolutely be known by name here because you’re the vainest people on the continent, but Sami and I are only here because Windy Canyon makes you feel like your fucking face is peeling off.”

“Apparently everyone else in this fucking family feels the same way,” Girard said, and while Sami and Tiran both went straight for the lotion that had become a particular favorite of literally  _ everyone _ in the Draketooth Clan, he and Kanta picked a couple other things up along the way.

Sami gave Girard a sour look, and Girard gave her the ‘innocent kitten’ face in response.

The total came out to be almost 2,000 gp.

“I hate this family,” Tiran said, as the four of them walked back home, carrying six bags each and trying to convince themselves not to feel guilty about it.


	2. Bad Examples

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serini gives three children glitter and sticks around to see the look on Girard's face.

Girard and Sami exchanged wary glances as they edged into the room that three children under twelve had supposedly been holed up in for the last hour.

It was quiet. That was bad.

The horror on Girard’s face must have really been that strong, because the second one Serini Toormuck saw him, she burst out laughing.

Serini was sitting there, with Orrin, Dylan, and Liana, and all four of them were  _ covered _ in glitter. Absolutely  _ covered _ in it. Serini looked like a golden disco ball, and the stuff was in Orrin’s  _ hair _ -

“Hey Girard. Thought I’d pop in. Kraagor’s Tomb was lonely and empty and making me sad. And, y’know, kids always cheer you up! Anyway. Orrin suggested we design a family crest for you guys- what do you think?”

Girard, who was still processing the fact that Serini had somehow crossed the Northern Continent, an ocean, and most of the desert, and then gotten past all the shit set up in Windy Canyon, every illusion and trap on the pyramid, and everyone in this gigantic fucking family, with no help, and then just… decided to hang out with the kids, barely registered the glimmering monstrosity that Serini had proudly presented him.

She had that glint in her eye that meant he was going to  _ really _ want to kill her for this.

A finger-painted black dragon which had a squiggly tattoo very similar to his and Sami’s- since their cousin Alten was out, and his and Sami’s tattoos were almost mirror images of each other, and Dylan and Liana were his kids but Sami was watching them- had it’s wings spread against a dark purple background of glitter, framed in gold and silver bordering that was very obviously the work of Serini, who could not draw to save her life, and below this sat the (typically written in dead common, but this time it was Draconic (Girard couldn’t help but be proud of his son)) family saying.

Sami read it first, and Serini was lucky she’d picked these three kids in particular, because any other relative of Girard’s would have killed her then and there.

Though, knowing Orrin, he couldn’t truly be sure this was just Serini’s work.

Proudly scrawled in Draconic runes below the crest were the words ‘I hate this fucking family’, and the background for all of this- crest and saying- was a gate bordered in white crystal.

Serini must have told them what it looked like, because there was  _ no way _ even Orrin was immune to his Phantasm.

“Orrin, Dylan, Liana- it looks very nice. Though, the grandparents might not like it since they’re stuck on the tradition of us being the famous nomadic Draketooth raiders. I’m pretty sure me joining an adventuring party was the most disappointing thing they’d ever seen.”

Sami gave Girard a Look, and he ignored his little sister in favor of making sure the kids  _ didn’t _ run down one of the trapped hallways on their way to lunch- they had the attention spans of three caffeinated kittens, and were seemingly always hungry for cookies and cookies alone.

He whipped around to face Serini so fast he nearly got whiplash.

“Serini. What. The. Fuck.”

“Wait- I thought you guys were done with each other?”

“Because Girard and rogues are known for keeping their promises,” Serini deadpanned.

“Fair point.”

Girard kept staring at the rogue.

“Hey, it wasn’t my idea! Orrin said he’d heard it from Tiran. He just translated it into runes afterwards.”

Sami and Girard exchanged the glance that younger siblings trade when they’ve discovered perfect ‘I’m telling mom!’ fodder.

Kanta and Tiran had always been somewhat at odds, but Girard and Sami, once given a common target, were pretty much unstoppable.

“Deeply disturbing though it is to find out my nephew can write ‘fuck’ in Draconic, I’ve been wanting a reason to punch Tiran since he told Alten to give his kids cupcakes and glitter glue and then leave them with me.”

“This is going to be  _ so much fun _ ,” Girard said, and Serini glanced up at the two humans cracking their knuckles and grinning maniacally, and decided to run while she could.

As she was scaling one of the pillars up to the skylight, she saw a man she presumed to be Tiran Draketooth plummet past her.

Serini started climbing faster when Sami went hurtling after him, baseball bat in hand.


	3. Bang Bang, by Kanta Draketooth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Girard stole half of Kanta's jewelry, so she takes a vacation and winds up unexpectedly charmed.

Kanta Draketooth was making the biggest mistake of her life for no other reason than to piss off her little brother for raiding her jewelry box, and she was perfectly fine with that.

Taking a two month vacation had, in fact, made Girard very suspicious, but Kanta knew he’d be too busy trying to keep Serini out and checking on Tiran (Sami had put him in the hospital for three days. She thought it was hilarious. Kanta and Girard did too, mainly because Tiran kept telling everyone he’d fought off an invading army and escaped with a couple broken ribs and a black eye and then everyone else called him on his bullshit) to worry about her.

And because he was going to enjoy just being the middle child instead of the second middle child for as long as he could.

Spending three weeks at sea and another two wheedling her way into the good graces of Azure City would be absolutely worth the look on Girard’s face.

And even if it wasn’t, paladins were  _ hilarious _ drunks, as evidenced by the house party Kanta was currently at, not regretting a damn thing in the slightest.

Soon Kim, fortunately, didn’t seem to be here, since he might actually recognize her as a Draketooth. Plenty of others were, and one of them was surprisingly attractive and even more surprisingly sweet. Neither of them were bothering to learn the other’s name, since Kanta left tomorrow, but if he’d lived on the Western Continent he would have made their safe list (the ever-growing list of people who they weren’t allowed to bang, rob, and abandon, because they weren’t assholes).

Fortunately, he didn’t, so she’d never have to explain how she met him.

“Mmm… Getting a bit rowdy, is it?” Kanta murmured.

“They always do, but as long as the number of drunk paladins is smaller than the number of sober ones, we should be fine.”

“What happened the last time it wasn’t fine?”

“Two divorces, three hookups, Maito getting banned from a diner, and Aki’s still married to twelve people because they’re all too lazy and too focused on their work to bother getting a divorce.”

“...holy shit.”

“Oh, and Kaito can’t ever visit a church of Loki again.”

Kanta glanced away from the paladin she’d been chatting up for a moment, taking the time to process that.

And the fact that some paladins gossiped more than some palace servants.

“Well, enough about everyone else,” she said after about five solid minutes, “tell me more about  _ you. _ ”

~

Four weeks later, Kanta waltzed back into the Draketooth Pyramid, and the first people she saw were her younger siblings. An  _ extremely _ smug grin found it’s way onto her face.

“So, Girard.”

Girard gave her a look of pure, undiluted suspicion. 

“You never told me paladins were  _ that _ great for hookups.”

“Well I wouldn’t know- wait,  _ WHAT _ !?”

Everyone-  _ everyone _ , in the  _ entire _ pyramid, froze, all of them staring at Kanta with looks ranging from utter horror to complete awe, and she knew in that moment she’d be loved and hated equally by every person in the family until the day she died.

“Yeah. Azure City’s lovely this time of year.”

Girard looked like he was about to have a stroke. Sami was hyperventilating, and Tiran was giving her a look of such raw amused betrayal that Kanta almost-  _ almost _ \- stopped rubbing it in.

“You- you-  _ Kanta what the fuck _ !?”

“Oh calm down, Sami, I’m not pregnant.”

“Who was he?” Girard demanded.

“Does it-”

“ _ Who was he _ .”

“I don’t know! Average height,  _ very _ handsome, short black hair, slanted grey eyes, human? Ring a bell?”

She hadn’t thought it was possible, but Girard started looking even  _ more _ like he was going to spontaneously combust.

“Okay. Okay. What- what kind of black hair?”

“Blue highlights when he stood it bright sunlight- gods, I’d  _ kill _ for hair like his, I mean-”

“What was his name?”

“Girard, why are you interrogat-”

“Name. Please. Kanta.”

“I don’t know.”

By now,  _ most _ of the people around them had absorbed the initial shock and were continuing with their days, but Tiran and Sami were clinging to each other in horror as Girard’s eyes turned into dinner plates.

“ _ You slept with an enemy of the family and you didn’t even bother getting his name _ ?” Girard wheezed and yep, he was hyperventilating too.

Kanta raised an eyebrow.

“Who’s Orrin’s mother again?”

“Some noblewoman who starved her servants for messing up in the slightest, that’s not important- you need to get his name.”

“I can’t cast a Sending or write to him-”

“Then go back and get his name but I need to be sure the guy you just described wasn’t  _ Soon. _ ”

Kanta opened her mouth to argue, and then realized that she couldn’t, actually, be sure she  _ hadn’t _ slept with the head of the Sapphire Guard.

“You want me to leave again-”

“I’m invoking the younger sibling puppy face clause.”

“You can only do that once every three years and you want to waste it on a  _ paladin _ ?”

“YES!”

Kanta sighed, and turned around.

“Well, I’ll see you absolute dumbasses in another two months.”

~

Two months later, Kanta trudged back home, even  _ more _ pissed at Girard now, and that was why she was about to do what she was about to do.

Girard was waiting, Sami and Tiran clinging to each other behind him.

Kanta looked her little brother dead in the eye.

“Soon Kim,” she said, and Kanta was about to tell him who she  _ actually _ slept with and derail the joke before he killed her.

And then, to her greatest amusement, Girard fainted.

Kanta was actually scared at first- not that she’d ever admit it, but her little brother made lots of enemies and she  _ really  _ wouldn’t want to see any of them succeed, when she saw that he was still breathing fine- and Tiran had caught him, so they didn’t need to worry about head trauma.

“Did you seriously-”

“Gods, no, his name was Ishonen.”

“Okay. Good. We’ll- we’ll tell Girard when he wakes up, right?”

“Yes, because he’s going to plan my murder enough times as it is.”

“Kanta?”

“What, Sami?”

“I will never let you live this down.”


	4. The Vodka Aunt Doesn't Even Like Vodka

Tiran, to his credit, tried  _ very hard _ to sneak back into the pyramid quietly.

Quietly, of course, didn’t mean shit when there was a rogue hanging from the ceiling who watched you come in. Or when you were holding a literal baby.

Serini raised an eyebrow when she saw the man who she now  _ did _ know was Tiran sneaking back into his own home like he still had to worry about getting caught by his parents. Though he  _ was _ carrying a baby- his, if the tattoo on it’s chest and the mop of red hair was anything to go by.

The halfling smiled, and slid down one of the pillars in the doorway down to the floor, stomping a bit to let him know she was there.

“You’re… Serini, right?” he asked suspiciously.

“Yeah. I  _ was _ going to stick a tarantula on Girard’s pillow, but it escaped the jar, and you’re all remarkably good about cleaning up the spiderwebs around here.”

“My dear brother forces his arachnophobia on the rest of us.”

“Last time he tried to do that to me, I cleaned out the whole tavern’s collection of spiderwebs and put all of them in his bed,” Serini declared, puffing up a bit at the memory. Lirian had scolded her for removing the spiders from their habitats. Dorukan had captured some of them for his spells, much to the druid’s dismay. Soon had bravely marched in and killed them all with the kind of exasperated heroism  _ only _ he could pull off.

Kraagor had spent an hour slumped over in the hallway, laughing his ass off.

The halfling sighed. It was good to remember him.

Since memories were all that was left of him.

“...are you just gonna stand there…?”

Serini shook herself out of it, focusing once more on Tiran.

“So what do you guys usually do when one of you steals a kid back?”

“Uh… well usually we celebrate but everyone’s asleep and I just don’t want to inconvenience them.”

Serini’s eyes narrowed, a grin slowly widening as she took in how his eyes kept darting around and the way he shifted his weight from foot to foot.

“So why don’t you want to inconvenience them?”

“Well- ah- the whole family has to sort of gather, and then there are announcements and everyone thanks you and you have to actually deal with your siblings so I-”

“Really? Sami fucked you up that bad, huh?” Serini said, and the moment Tiran’s eyes- filled with nervous terror- locked on hers, she knew  _ exactly _ what she had to do.

“Or is there another reason you don’t want to tell them?”

Tiran’s brain caught up to hers.

“Oh no- nonono don’t you  _ fucking _ dare I’ll have to tell them  _ all _ what he’s named-”

“TIRAN’S BACK!!!” Serini yelled, reminded of the time Dorukan was cursed with insomnia and she’d used her impressive lung capacity to force the rest of the party to keep him company.

The redhead in front of her gave her an absolutely  _ murderous _ glare, and in that moment, she knew it would be worth it.

“Nnn- wha- Serini? Th’ fuck… hey, Tiran- oh. Child. Great. Well, at least now I know I wouldn’t have gotten any sleep anyway.”

Serini gave Girard a very proud grin, one somewhat reminiscent of cats who caught canaries and proudly dumped the bloody corpses on the carpets of their owners.

Girard gave her a wary once-over from where he stood on the wraparound balcony that overlooked the entrance hall.

“Why are you here?”

“Vodka aunts always show up at the worst possible times.”

“You don’t even  _ like _ vodka.”

“That changes nothing.”

“Yeah uh she was just sort of here when I walked inbutyoucangobacktobedit’sfineI’llkeepherfrom- uh-”

Girard gave his older brother the ‘are you fucking brain dead’ look.

“Tiran. I don’t know if you’re aware of this. But you are holding a very small human child. Those do not shut up when you give them cookies. They do not sleep when you desperately need them to. You’re a fucking father now, Tiran. You’re not getting any sleep for the next  _ three years _ , and neither is  _ anyone else _ .”

Serini glanced between the two, a little worried, now.

“That’s because Orrin was  _ your _ kid and you’re a rebellious little shit who likes making everyone else miserable and karma gave you a taste of your own medicine. This one is mine, and thus, he will behave, by virtue of genetics.”

“I’m… actually kind of surprised he’s slept this long,” Serini said.

“Wha- Tiran he’s breathing right?” Girard said, frantically joining the two of them on the ground floor, running his fingers through his hair all the while, which only worsened his bedhead.

“Of course he is!” Tiran hissed.

“I can’t believe anyone  _ else _ has slept this long. I mean, come on, I did my loudest announcer voice there!”   


“Sami bought everyone else soundproofing to spite me. And to stop me from bringing one night stands home. Ever.”

“She’s smart.”

“She’s  _ mean _ .”

“So what’s his name?” Serini asked, abruptly turning back to Tiran and the child he was trying very hard to hide.

Girard gave his brother a curious look when Tiran pointedly did not answer.  
“...what _is_ his name?”

Tiran, again, pointedly did not answer, and began to look anywhere but the two people he was talking to. Girard narrowed his eyes. Serini’s grin widened even further.

“...Tiran,” the elder muttered.

Girard paused, processed, and burst out laughing.

“OH MY- YOU- HOLY  _ SHIT _ \- You never get to give me crap about boundless vanity again.  _ Never _ .”

“I didn’t name him!”

“To quote a dumbass I know, this changes nothing.”

Serini slowly turned to look at Girard.

“Girard?”

“Yes?”

“I stole that from  _ you _ .”

Girard froze, and at that moment, the bundle in Tiran’s arms shifted, opening a pair of massive blue eyes.

The baby was very much awake, despite saying nothing.

“Fuck!” Tiran hissed.

“Dammit!” Girard said.

“Well hello little guy,” Serini cooed.

Both of the boys glared.

“You’re not even supposed to  _ be here _ !” Girard whined. “Stupid halfling stealthy shit.”

“SHIT!”

Three pairs of plate-sized eyes turned to Tiran Jr, and then Tiran Sr turned an absolutely  _ murderous _ glare on Girard.

“ _ You _ \- the first word.  _ The first word _ , that my child has said, was a  _ swear _ he stole from  _ you _ . I was so careful! I didn’t swear when he was awake! Hell, for the first two months I didn’t swear _ at all _ ! And you- YOU-”

Girard looked absolutely  _ mortified _ , and Serini was on the floor positively  _ cackling _ with glee.

“I didn’t- he- why-”

Tiran clutched his kid closer.

“I’m going to get him set up in the nursery. And you are never going to forget this.”

That said, the eldest brother walked out, and Girard put his face in his hands. Serini was still howling with laughter at Girard’s tomato red face.

“This is your fault,” he muttered. And then, “Get out of my pyramid.”

Girard glanced briefly at the halfling. He groaned when he saw the pillow she’d brought with her.


	5. It's Not A Phase, Dad!

Girard knew that nothing but a headache awaited him when he saw Orrin carrying at least a dozen candles back to his room. Oh well. The Nergal phase had to come sometime, and the mice infestation in the pyramid could use some help. Granted, his son always reeking of burnt flesh would suck, but you can’t have everything. It was an unfortunate side effect of being thirteen.

The redhead sighed, prompting an odd look from Kanta.

“Orrin’s started the Nergal phase.”

Kanta leaned over, catching a glimpse of Orrin speed walking away from the dining hall. Like he thought he was being subtle.

“Oh… oh no. Yeah, you’re gonna be in hell.”

Girard turned to his older sister, frowning faintly.

“Why?”

“One, because your Nergal phase was the most traumatic experience of my life. Two, because I don’t think it’s actually a Nergal phase you’re gonna have to worry about.”

The younger narrowed his eyes.

“Then what  _ do _ I have to worry about, oh dearest traitorous sister of mine?” Girard simpered.

“You know, I learned some fairly interesting things from Ishonen,” Kanta began.

“I rescind the ‘dearest’ part of my statement.”

“One of them being that a circle of twelve candles is a staple of any worshiper of the twelve gods. Now, for Nergal, it’s thirteen, and I  _ know _ you know that.”

Girard huffed.

“So? What does that have to do with my kid?”

“...I know he can count. He’s carrying twelve.”

Girard stabbed his fork in the vague direction of his sister, abandoned his dinner, and raced after Orrin.

Kanta raised an eyebrow at the fork Girard had left in his wine glass, before picking up her own.

“Good on you, kid,” she whispered at the spot Orring always sat at. “Girard’s gonna be  _ so _ pissed.”

~

 

Girard skidded to a stop and knocked on his son’s door.

“Orrin? Orrin, we need to talk.”

“I’m pretty sure we don’t!” Came the muffled response.

“Oh yes we do I am NOT going to see my son fall so low as to worship a petting zoo even if it IS just a phase!”

“It’s not a phase, dad! I’m Lawful Good and I’m going to become a paladin and if I have to I’ll join the Sapphire Guard to do it!”

Girard yanked Orrin’s door open, staring stone-faced at the pouting (and glaring) teenager sitting inside the circle of candles.

“Do it and I swear to every god there ever was you will never set foot in this pyramid again.”

Orrin’s pout changed into a what-the-fuck-dude look.

“...so you hate Soon more than you love your own son.”

It was then that a grin spread across the thirteen year old’s face, and Girard’s only thought was ‘FUCK’.

“This is gonna make a  _ great _ selling point when I convert the rest of the family.”

“You say that with the conviction of a madman.”

“GIRARD! STOP BEING AN MELODRAMATIC SHITHEAD AND LOVE YOUR KID NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU DISAGREE WITH HIM!!!”

Serini’s voice could carry pretty far, which meant that since she’d shouted from where she was staring at his waist, Girard was briefly going to be deaf, for the next three years. He had no idea how she'd managed to get that close without him noticing (stupid halfling stealthy shit) (gods, he  _still_ cringed at the memory).

“Oh. Hey Auntie Sneaks.”

“Hi Orrin. Please tell me you put some thought into this.”

“Actually,  _ I did _ , and I’m considering becoming a paladin even if I have to choose a Western deity.”

“...you’re probably not gonna like me saying this, but-”

“I might grow out of it, but as of right now, I don’t think I will.”

“Okay. That’s actually a very mature response on your part, I’m proud of you.”

“OW- SERINI WHAT THE MMMPH!”

Kanta gave Serini a long-suffering smile from where she’d slapped a hand over Girard’s mouth, having also used Girard's I-have-the-perception-of-a-brick-fucking-wall-when-I'm-yelling-at-people traits to her advantage.

“Serini! Lovely to see you. Orrin, keep at it, I’ll make sure he doesn’t get the chance to disown you.”

“Thank you, Aunt Kanta, for being a DECENT RELATIVE!” Orrin said, shouting the last bit at Girard, who had finally drawn enough blood to get his sister to  _ let go of him _ .

“Orrin. I love you dearly. But if you become the servant of barnyard animals just to piss me off, I will never forgive you.”

“...and what if I picked a Western god instead?”

“Good on you, kid, go make a difference.”

Girard closed his eyes after saying his piece. It did not stop him from feeling the three deadpan stares aimed at him.

Serini turned to Orrin.

“I’d actually recommend a Western deity just for the sake of godly logistics- the Twelve Gods would have to impose on Marduk’s Clan to reach you, and that could get messy.”

“Aight. I haven’t lit the candles yet, so it shouldn’t be too much trouble getting the rest of the stuff I’ll need for one of the LG Western gods.”

“Also, I’m insanely proud of you for pissing Girard off that much. The look on his face will be a treasured memory.”

Orrin gave Serini a shit-eating grin. Kanta grimaced at how much it reminded her of Girard when he was young.

“Always happy to help, Auntie Sneaks.”

“Also- and this one’s just a fun fact for the two of you- the saddest thing about this entire situation is that it’s a marked improvement on Girard’s part.”

“... _ wow _ ,” Orrin said. “Okay. Looks like I only get to steal kids back from the evil ladies, now.”

“There are plenty of them out there,” Serini said.

“...Have you  _ actually _ switched alignments yet?” Kanta asked.

Orrin gave a dazzling smile.

“Oh yeah.”

Girard turned around, muttered something about drinking himself into a coma to forget having a family that made enemies a moot point, and walked off. Kanta turned back to Orrin, who was actually looking a little worried.

“It’s alright. He’ll come around. I’m gonna go make sure he doesn’t run into that rave the teenagers are throwing tonight- Sami and Tiran are already there and I  _ don’t _ want a repeat of Girard and Sami’s high school prom.”

“What happened?” Serini asked.

“We don’t talk about it,” Orrin replied. “Please make sure it never happens again.”

Kanta nodded, walking off after Girard.

“...Auntie Sneaks?”

“Hm?”

“Do you really think he’ll come around after this?”

“Oh, yeah, he’s gonna be a drama queen about it for like the next ten minutes before forgetting it entirely. Girard’s a marshmallow. Not as much of a marshmallow as Soon or Lirian, but a marshmallow nonetheless.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah. And if worse comes to worse, I’ll set you up with the Sapphire Guard and tell him  _ allllllll _ about it. I mean. Kanta only  _ slept _ with one of them, imagine what Girard would say if you  _ joined _ .”

Orrin burst out laughing, and Serini decided she was a good vodka aunt. 


	6. Party Like It's 1100

The first thing Girard noticed when he woke up was a pounding headache, likely because he’d wound up at the rave last night (somehow, despite Kanta’s protests and violent attempts to stop him) and had, in traditional Draketooth fashion, downed enough alcohol to kill an elephant.

The second thing he noticed was that he was lying next to his ex-boyfriend, in a bed that wasn’t his and definitely wasn’t Julio’s (the  _ Mechanae _ was never this still. Or this quiet), neither of them wearing anything at all.

Julio, it seemed, was also awake.

“This isn’t my place,” Girard said.

“It’s certainly not mine,” Julio responded.

The two of them had dated, way back when. Right after the Order of the Scribble split, and before Girard summoned his asshole siblings. It had been fast, fun while it lasted, and it lasted about four months.

It essentially ended with both of them deciding they were too similar and that Girard had actual responsibilities anyway that he’d already blown off for long enough.

“...I’m going to find out where we are,” Julio said. The pirate got up, noting that both his and Girard’s clothes were strewn  _ everywhere _ .

The two of them were about the same size, so he shamelessly stole the other man’s shirt, since Girard would be too hungover to notice and the illusionist was a sucker for soft clothes. Also, y’know, once a thief, always a thief.

Girard groaned an acknowledgement.

“You’ve really got to stop drinking so much. I can hear your liver screaming from here.”

“It was the first time since I’ve had Orrin and it runs in the family anyway. And screw you, we’re not dating so you have literally no way to make me listen to you when you tell me what to do.”

“At least drunk you doesn’t seem to be playing pranks on sober you this time.”

“Oh, gods, that was a nightmare,” Girard muttered.

“I actually found your tiara from that night,” Julio mused, “it was glued to the railing of the crow’s nest. No, I’m giving it back.”

“Figures. Go see which land of assholes we wound up in this time.”

The pirate rolled his eyes, and walked out. Girard spent a few minutes getting his bearings before getting his clothes back on.

Julio had stolen his shirt again.

Dammit.

~

 

As it turned out, the two had gotten a hotel in one of the few actual buildings in Sandsedge. The  _ Mechanae _ , however, was nowhere to be found, and Julio’s Sending scroll wasn’t in his coat anymore.

“So…”

“No, you can’t crash on my couch,” Girard said, skimming the market stalls they passed to see if anybody had a Sending scroll for sale so he could lose his ex and actually go home.

“Why ever not?”

“One, I moved and I’m not telling you where I live. Two, I’m back with the family, so everyone would kill me. Three, I have a kid now, and he’s almost as much of an asshole as I am, and I’m disinclined to listen to both him and my older sister give me crap about safe list ex boyfriends for the rest of my life. Four, because buying you a Sending scroll is easier anyway.”

Julio raised an eyebrow.

“You never used to be this snippy.”

“You never used to be my ex.”

“Awww, was the breakup  _ that _ bad?”

“...you  _ literally _ threw me overboard. Granted, you gave me an item of Feather Fall first, but  _ still _ .”

Julio rolled his eyes, and Girard kept looking through the stalls they passed, and the two of them probably would have kept doing that all day had Girard not run smack into Sami.

She stepped back, gave her brother a once-over, gave Julio a look of absolute murderous rage (overprotective family being overprotective), and then sighed, straightened, and brushed unseen dirt off her sleeves.

“Girard.  _ Julio _ . I’ve got a Sending scroll left on me, if it’s all the same to you two we’ll call the  _ Mechanae _ and then dump you in the middle of nowhere to wait. Y’know, the same way you dumped my brother?”

Girard sighed. Julio’s eyes flicked between Girard and Sami, very wide and very much screaming ‘SAVE ME’ to anybody watching.

“Sami.”

“I mean, he could have DIED! And yet he gets back home and  _ still _ puts you on the sa-”

“Oh look my ride’s here I’ll just be going now  _ Girard she’s crazy and if you want to hide out on the ship I won’t even charge you double for it _ .”

Girard held a hand up to silence Sami before he turned to his ex.

“Run while you can. I  _ might _ actually take you up on that at some point.”

Julio nodded, grinned the same grin that had everyone into guys on the planet falling for him (and the one that had Girard smitten on sight, not that the illusionist would ever admit to having a crush on anyone, ever, at all), kissed Girard on the cheek, and ran to catch the flying carpet dropped off the  _ Mechanae _ before either Girard or Sami could murder him for it.

“I’ve got a Teleport on me,” Sami said.

“Lovely,” Girard squeaked.

“...so are you two-”

“No.”

“ _ Sweet _ .”

Girard turned to face Sami, raising an eyebrow warily at his sister.

“Hey! He’s hot. And as long as I don’t do the ‘rob and abandon’ bit I’m technically not fucking up the safe list protocol.”

The elder glared. The younger sighed.

“Fine. Keep your ex all to yourself.”

“He probably has more kids than our entire family does.”

“So what’s one more!?”

“Shut up and get us home.”

“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly become any more of an asshole than you already are.”

“Rude.”

“Hoarder.”

Sami activated the orb before Girard could respond, and since she’d land on the balcony in the entrance hall and he’d land in the air next to it, she wasn’t too worried about him doing so once they reached their destination.


	7. Imagine If They'd All Gone Through With It

Orrin was very seriously considering ditching his dad and joining the Sapphire Guard, consequences be damned, if only to escape the heatwave that had hit the pyramid two weeks ago and showed no signs of leaving.

It  _ rained _ in Azure City. Actual  _ rain _ , not ‘it’s sort of cloudy and I saw one water droplet’.

“Maybe Ishonen’s still single,” Kanta mused from where she was sitting to his left. “You can join the paladins, I’ll legally adopt you, and we’ll both move in with him. It’ll- it’ll be great.”

His father, who was sitting to Orrin’s right, sighed.

“Y’know, I might still have a shot at seducing Soon. Or at least one of the nobles. Oooh, I could sell him back all the shit I stole when we still shared a party.”

“Turn in Julio, you’ll make more money,” Kanta said.

“And I can get an Azure City wizard to locate him via scrying because my connection is strong enough!”

“Yeah,” Orrin chimed, “and then, once we’ve got him, you could sell the shit you stole to everyone  _ else _ in the Sapphire Guard.”

“Mmmhm. Y’know it really tells you how fucking awful this weather is when even  _ Girard _ is considering hooking up with a paladin to avoid it.”

“Hooking up? I’d  _ marry _ Soon to get out of this heat,” Girard groaned.

“Can I be wedding planner?” Kanta asked.

“Only if I can be the flower boy and Auntie Sneaks is ringbearer,” Orrin said.

“Was I just summoned?” Serini chimed.

“Hi, Ser. I’m gonna steal a boat and go propose to Soon.”

“You’re ringbearer,” Kanta said solemnly.

The abject horror on Serini’s face was truly a beautiful thing to see, but the three Draketooths were too busy trying (read: failing) to get over their heat exhaustion.

“Girard- oh my gods, he’s dying, isn’t he?”

“Nah. Just willing to do literally whatever the fuck it takes to get away from the heat,” Kanta said.

“...in that case, I’ll steal you the finest engagement ring I can find. And… why  _ are _ you all just… sitting here? Melting?”

“Nobody in this gods-damned fucking family has any levels in divine casting. Which means no Endure Elements spells.”

“Orrin! Language.”

“Fuck you, dad.”

“If you marry Soon, and I marry Ishonen, and then we turn in Julio for the cash and sell the extra shit we’ve got, the three of us could probably live like gods for as long as we want.”

Serini glanced between the three, and sat down across from Orrin.

“There are probably other rewards for the rest of the crew of the  _ Mechanae _ , and I’ll help you guys out. Star sapphire or normal on Soon’s engagement ring?”

“Star. Cause he’s the light of my life.”

“...are you sure he-”

“He’s not dying. He might be hallucinating, though,” Orrin said.

“Huh. I mean, I always thought you and Soon had a thing way back when-”

“Oh come on, Serini, you’re either hooking up with him once when you’re blackout drunk or you’re married to the man, and there’s no in between because it’s  _ Soon _ .”

“That’s oddly specific, little brother.”

“I only know because Dorukan has a slightly higher tolerance for vodka than Soon does.”

“Oh yeaaaaaah, the quest with that weird dungeon when we learned that when it comes to seducing a zombie, succeeding with flying colors and failing miserably mean the exact same thing?”

“...I was talking about the after party, but sure, bring the source of my trauma to the forefront of my mind.”

“Well yeah, the after party was cool,” Serini turned to Orrin and Kanta, “and Dorukan’s an alcoholic sometimes so when Soon woke up with no memory of what happened Dorukan could still tell us.”

“...um. Girard completely failed to mention this.”

“That’s because he’s a mopey drunk and he’s only an alcoholic when he’s done something that’s made Lirian stay mad at him for more than a week. And, y’know, she’s an elf, so it’s not really much trouble for her.”

“Okay, but back to the bit about hooking up with Soon,” Orrin said.

“According to Dorukan he-”

“Serini. Shut the hell up.”

Serini huffed, but did as asked, for which Girard would be forever grateful. Kanta started rooting around in her pocket, before her hand landed on something apparently worth busting everyone’s eardrums over.

A fan.

She passed it to Orrin, which Girard couldn’t actually fault her for, and both he and his older sister began trying not to completely pass out.

“Auntie Sneaks? How come you’re not melting right now?”

_...I love my son. _

“Ser, if you’ve got an extra that you’ve been-”

Serini grinned, tossing all three of them an amulet each. As expected, they were enchanted- Endure Elements.

_ Fuck _ yes.

“I brought enough for the whole family.”

“Steal that engagement ring and I’ll propose to you instead of Soon.”

“I’ll pass.”

“Good choice, Auntie Sneaks.”

“Yeah, you’d have to start calling me ‘Mom’ and I mean  _ come on _ ‘Auntie Sneaks’ is just so much better.”

“Should I even brother bringing up the fact that he’s not even supposed to know you?”

“Not like we’ll listen if you do,” Serini and Orrin chorused.

Kanta turned to Girard.

“If the Draketooths kept every promise they made you’d have been resurrected and murdered fifteen times.”

“...fair enough.”


	8. Terrible Two's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lil more fluff and angst and a little less snark, but I'm fond of the image that the end of the chapter brings to mind.

The heatwave had finally passed, and Girard was damn near ready to murder his older brother.

“Tiran-  _ shit _ no don’t- TIRAN SENIOR! YOUR KIDS TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF!”

Knowing, already, that his brother wasn’t going to respond, Girard went racing after the toddler who was crawling  _ directly _ towards one of the most heavily trapped hallways in the pyramid.

“ _Dammit_  Tiran this is  _ not _ what I meant when I said I’d watch him while you were out!”

Girard managed to grab the kid just in time, idly petting his hair as he balanced the toddler on his hip. It had always managed to calm Orrin down, and it fortunately seemed to work for Tiran Jr. too.

“Okay. Please stop doing that,” Girard said, staring deep into a pair of clueless blue eyes. He grinned a bit, at that- Dorukan had once muttered something about complementary colors applying to Girard’s ice blue eyes and brilliant red hair, and Orrin had fortunately inherited his father’s dashing good looks, but Tiran Sr. and Sami both had purple eyes (grandparents who were a redhead and a dragon made convincing people you didn’t know shit about beauty spells a lot harder), and Kanta had a pair of strikingly warm brown ones.

This meant that Girard got to give his brother endless shit about the kid taking after his uncle, and that if they ever went out in public, Tiran would be mistaken for an uncle. 

_ That _ meant that Girard well and truly adored this child, because deep down he had to be just as much of a little shit as Girard and Kanta were. 

“Yes. Please don’t die. And please keep being this nice a child for as long as you live because other than the survival instincts you’re an angel.”

The child grinned.

“Dam-it!”

Girard’s smile became heavily tinged with fear.

“And please stop only hearing curse words, your father will kill me.”

“Aa!”

“I’ll take that to mean ‘yeah’. He’s going to be back any minute now which means you will stop being my problem.”

“So…” Sami began, walking up to Girard. “Tiran- apparently he and Alten ran into someone, or something on the way back, but I’ve got Gina doing divinations to find them because they’re both late and that’s  _ really _ not like them and they’re not answering my Sendings and I’m panicking can you tell?”

Girard inhaled sharply, falling into step with Sami as the two of them walked towards Gina’s workroom. Pushing the door open revealed Kanta, who’d placed one hand on Dylan’s shoulders and the other on Liana’s. Gina must have been using their connections to Alten to strengthen the magic.

“Gina? I’ve got Tiny Tiran, if you need more bloodline channels.”

“I’m good. It shouldn’t be long- the two of them aren’t anywhere near the populated zones, which also means they’re not anywhere near any war zones. I’m scouring the desert now.”

“Da?” Tiran Jr said softly.

Girard started petting his hair again.

“We’ll find him.”

“I’m casting another Sending,” Sami said.

“Alright.”

“Is… is Papa gonna be okay?” Liana peeped, leaning into Kanta’s skirt.

“Of course. It’s  _ Alten _ , he’d probably just challenge Death to a wrestling match and then walk home with no problems.”

“...really?” Dylan said, a tad incredulous.

“Your father is built like a brick shithouse, he’s the strongest man I’ve ever met, and he built a wildly successful career around being able to survive the desert like it’s a well-maintained park. I’m pretty sure he’s fine,” Girard replied. “I mean, seriously, he lifted me and Kanta with one arm and Tiran and Sami with the other and didn’t even break a sweat. He’s good. And Tiran’s with him, and he’s dual schooled in Evocation and Illusion, so caster support’s hardly an issue.”

Liana nodded, satisfied, but Dylan still looked suspicious.

Girard turned to watch Gina work.

“Tiran, I swear to the gods, if you’re not fine I’m marrying Soon just to make you come back to haunt me.”

 

~

 

Three days later  _ (three days too long) _ , Girard was once more grabbing his nephew just in time to keep him from crawling into a pit trap.

“Gods above, kid, you’ve got a deathwish.”

Sami and Kanta were sitting with Orrin, Dylan, and Liana at dinner. Again. Girard started petting Tiny Tiran and walked back to the table.

“Any sign of-”

It was at this moment that the doors to the dining hall burst open, and none other than Soon fucking Kim strode through them.

Except-

“HE’S A LOT HOTTER THAN THAT, TIRAN!”

The illusion fell, and Tiran Draketooth gave a shit-eating grin to everyone at dinner. Alten- who was 6’ 5”, and so muscled he might as well be a  _ wall _ \- walked in after him.

Dylan and Liana immediately jumped up with twin shrieks of joy, running up to their father, who easily picked them up and swung them around. 

Tiny Tiran made grabby hand motions towards his father, and Girard obediently walked him over to his dad.

“Pulling him away from traps for three days was  _ not _ what I agreed to when I said I’d watch him.”

“Sorry we’re late. I hope you guys weren’t too worried.”

“Gina’s been casting to try and find you guys for the entire time you’ve been missing, Dylan and Liana didn’t believe us when we said you’d be okay, Sami’s been casting Sendings for as long as Gina’s been casting divinations, Kanta had a panic attack, and I’ve been steadily putting off a mental breakdown because I held myself responsible for your child. Here. I need to find a dark corner to cry my eyes out in.”

With that, Girard handed off Tiny Tiran, and grabbed a bottle of wine on his way out of the dining hall.

“Should we follow him…?” Tiran asked, as Sami and Kanta walked up to him.

“Nah,” Sami squeaked.

“I’ll grab an extra bottle for you, go make sure he doesn’t cover his tracks.”

Eventually, Tiran Sr. was left staring in extreme confusion at the door which had just swung shut behind Kanta, who’d grabbed two bottles of wine on her way out, presumably to follow Sami who was following Girard to whatever dark corner he was going to have a mental breakdown in.

He waited a few minutes before following them.

~

 

Girard, Kanta, and Sami, all with a bottle of wine each, were huddled near the hallway holding their rooms. Tiny Tiran had decided he wanted sleep, and so Tiran had put him to bed and set out to find his siblings.

He was not expecting to be immediately accosted by a very tearful, very drunk Sami, who launched herself out of her corner, empty bottle- oh gods,  _ all _ of their bottles were empty- forgotten, and into Tiran’s arms.

“Don’t ever vanish on us again we were so worried and none of us know what we’d do if you died because I’m a mess and Kanta and Girard are disasters and you’re the only one who’s not Chaotic and without you we’d all be in jail because we don’t care about the rules as much as we should and we love you and if anything ever happened to you we’d never forgive ourselves!”

Tiran jumps, sighs, and wraps his little sister up in a hug, electing to sit down with the three of them before Sami drags them both down.

“It was just a phoenix… it poked a hole in one of the runes on our carpet, so we couldn’t fly. One of the officials we ran into insisted on giving us anti-divination charms, and I guess they block Sendings too.”

Sami curled up into his left side, and Kanta leaned against his right.

Girard, in typical catlike Girard fashion, curled up on all three of their laps like the polymorphed pampered house cat he was (Tiran could absolutely see him as a red Somali cat with a bejeweled collar that had a golden tag on it, curled up on plush silk cushions as he was hand fed tuna. Seriously. The ease with which that image came to mind was almost frightening).

He had his feet on Kanta’s lap, most of his torso sprawled across Tiran, and his head pillowed on Sami’s legs. And he was purring. Granted, the draconic origins of the necessary genes that enabled the four of them- and, seemingly, the four of them alone, out of the whole family- to purr gave it a sort of growl-y edge, but the four of them could purr nonetheless, and they only ever did it when they were completely alone with their siblings on the rare occasion that somebody wasn’t being an asshole, or when they were completely alone with their siblings and very, very drunk.

Nobody outside of the four of them knew that they could, in fact, purr, and it was a violently guarded secret because one it was just  _ weird _ \- granted, it was better than the other draconic traits they might have gotten (that other family members  _ had  _ gotten), but  _ still _ \- and two they would  _ never _ live it down.

Tiran, Sami, and Kanta had caught Girard, on occasion, purring in his sleep when Orrin had had a bad dream and had wound up going to his dad’s room. It was one of the few times Tiran would call his younger brother adorable- he curled up around his kid like a cat guarding it’s kitten, and Orrin’s head, without fail, was resting on Girard’s chest- likely without the kid ever realizing it- and it really was just the  _ cutest _ thing.

Kanta sometimes purred at the little ones in the nursery, when they were fussing and couldn’t go to sleep. Sami used to purr all the time around Dylan and Liana, until they got old enough to potentially remember it. Tiran had never purred to anybody but his siblings, when they were either little or genuinely in tears over something.

Girard sniffled, and Sami further soaked his shirt in tears. To his right, Kanta sighed, having been silent the entire time.

Tiran let a little rumble form in his chest, and Girard started purring like a lawn mower in response- he probably wasn’t even  _conscious_  anymore.

Sami grinned, snuggled up to her siblings, and started purring as well.

Kanta joined in fully a minute or two later, and Tiran reluctantly followed suit.

The four of them could tell each other apart in pitch darkness by their different purrs better than they could by their different voices. 

Kanta’s was harmonious, almost musical- not too quiet, not too loud, and  _ perfectly _ pitched. 

Tiran’s was more of a rumble than anything- deep, but soft, and he liked it well enough.

Girard purred louder than the motors on the  _ Mechanae _ , and that was the truth. He could drown out every purring creature Tiran had ever come across, and that included the dragons he’d inherited the ability from.

Sami’s purr was perhaps the most comfort-inducing sound on the planet. It was soft, but  _ there _ , and soothing, and made you want to melt into a puddle of relaxed-ness.

Most of the other family members had horns, or wings, or tails, or patches of scales somewhere on their body, or claws, or a breath weapon, or slit pupils. The four of them had none of that. They had tattoos and purring.

And, honestly, all four of them liked that more than the other options. Because it meant that they got to curl up on each other in a dark corner and purr together.

Tiran opened his eyes, noting that they’d probably slid shut when Sami started purring at him.

The first thing he saw was that his child had somehow gotten out of bed, and was crawling towards one of the traps.

“Fuck.”


	9. Terrible Twins

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Action: stealing the favorite hairbrush of a teenage girl, and then telling her her sister did it.

Reaction: the most violent fistfight ever had between two members of the Draketooth family was currently happening in the entrance room to the pyramid.

Orrin had gone and grabbed his father, because the only person both stupid and strong enough to get in between two fistfighting twins was him. Girard had followed his son to the spot where the fistfight was taking place, because he was going to murder the responsible party.

Maybe literally, he hadn’t decided.

Girard sighed when he saw exactly how bad it was.

Oh, this would be fun.

“Auntie Sneaks tried shouting. So did Aunt Kanta.”

“I’m  _ really _ gonna have to do this, aren’t I?”

“Yep.”

Girard sighed, and steeled himself, mourning the life he might have had. He nodded at Tiran.

They both lunged at the same time, pulling the two apart and praying to every god they could name. 

He exhaled as the two didn’t promptly turn on them.

“What’s this about?”

“She stole the brush Taethron gave me!”

“Did not!”

“You’ve been jealous of us since-”

“OKAY! Who  _ actually _ stole it- yes I know exactly how expensive it is, Lind, you can’t sneak hairbrushes worth ten thousand gold into the pyramid  _ without _ me finding out- because I know it wasn’t Sil, since she’s got one as well.”

Lind craned her neck to give Girard a confused look.

“Sil?” he prompted.

“I’m dating Taethron’s brother Mihell. He’s actually really sweet and much more my type than Tae was anyway, so… yeah. I didn’t steal it.”

Kanta came up next to Girard.

“Are we just not gonna say-”

“Nope,” he said.

“Okay.”

“They really shouldn’t be dating elves, though, I mean-”

“Kanta? Shut up.”

“...Fine.”

“Okay!” Girard said, releasing the teenage girl and watching Tiran do the same. The two immediately hugged each other and started comparing their respective boyfriends.

Ah, youth.

“Who stole it?”

No response came from the vast array of gathered family members.

“Really?”

Orrin glanced around, spotting Serini in a shadowed corner. He waved until she looked up.

_ ‘You?’ _ he mouthed.

_ ‘No’ _ , the rouge mouthed back, shaking her head. 

Then she pointed, and Orrin followed her gaze to the backpack of one Eishil Draketooth, brother of Silinn and Linden Draketooth, all three known more commonly as Lind, Sil, and Ei.

“Oh. My. Gods. Thank you, Auntie Sneaks, for the prize of the year,” Orrin whispered.

Weaving through the crowd wasn’t easy, but he managed, and there it was. The gilded handle of the ten thousand GP hairbrush (Taethron and Mihell were staying a couple years on a diplomatic mission for their mother- and they’d taken an interest in Lind and Sil, and they were both very, very rich) that Taethron had gotten for Lind in the hopes of wooing her into moving in with him.

Orrin grabbed it, and Eishil noticed.

“Wha-  _ you _ -”

Eishil had about five seconds to start turning tomato red with embarrassment before Orrin victoriously held the hairbrush up.

“Orrin?”

“ _ Ei _ ?”

“Sorry, Eish, I gotta run.”

With that, Orrin victoriously danced through the throng of relatives before rounding a corner and vanishing from their sights.

With the hairbrush.

He paused at the sound of what was apparently a snatch of conversation between Lind and Eishell.

“Are you trying to drive a wedge between me and Sil?”

“No, actually, I’m jealous of you and Tae.”

“...you- did you just  _ out yourself _ in a conversation about a stolen hairbrush?”

“Okay, straight or not, he’s hot, he’s nice, he’s rich. Boy’s a damn gold mine and crushes fucking suck.”

“...Awww. It’s okay. We forgive you-  _ right _ , Lind?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Here’s your hair- wait- ORRIN!!!”  
Orrin grinned as Serini ran past him ahead of the throng.

Particularly at the golden handle of Lind’s hairbrush sticking out of her backpack, not that she knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the long wait- lots of stuff happening. I hope you enjoyed regardless!


	10. Methodical

Serini made sure nobody was looking as she hopped into the pyramid through the skylight. Girard had no idea how she got in, since said skylight wasn’t supposed to open (she’d picked off the crappy sealant, put in some weatherproofing rubber, and put hinges and a latch on it during one of the Draketooth raves), and Serini intended to keep it that way. She carefully slid down her rope to the balcony, whipping it up and catching her grappling hook as it fell. The skylight fell silently shut as she did.

The pyramid was pretty empty today- most of the Draketooths were out doing gods knew what, and so she wasn’t too surprised to see Girard and Sami playing… something, on the floor of the entrance hall.

As she hopped the balcony railing and silently walked up behind Girard, she saw that they were playing Go.

Serini was already on the floor laughing before Girard even shrieked.

“You-  _ how _ did you- Serini!”

“Oh my- you- you’re playing Go! That’s- pffhahahaha!”

The rogue’s uncontrollable laughter echoed in the mostly empty room, and Girard’s beet red face was  _ absolutely _ worth it.

Sami arched an eyebrow.

“Why, exactly, is that funny?”

“Oh, it’s kind of not. Just… he learned to play from Soon. And, after a few years, he actually won.”

Girard huffed, but Serini noticed that it lacked his usual bite.

Sami glanced between the two, opening her mouth to say something, before a Sending popped up next to her head.

Orrin.

“Hey, Aunt Sami. Your other two siblings need you to come down here. Something about a pudding crisis? Either way. Come help, bring your sanity.”

Sami blinked at the spot where the Sending had been, and Girard waved a hand at her. She got up, flashing a smile, and left.

“So. You really do miss him.”

Girard might have argued with Serini, but she was  _ right _ , dammit.

“I miss all of them. It’s usually pretty easy, but today just… it wasn’t. Not today.”

“Well, everyone has bad days. You remember how Soon was sometimes- especially right at the start, after… after Mijung.”

The name hung in the air, maybe even more so than Kraagor’s. They’d  _ known _ the barbarian. They’d been his friends. He had known what he was getting into, he’d accepted anyway.

But Mijung… neither of them had a clue what she was like. Soon had never talked about her, beyond the day she died.

Well. There was one time.

Serini sat down next to Girard.

“Y’know… he told me, once. Soon did. About her. It was- honestly the worst state I’d ever seen him in. He was a  _ wreck _ , Girard, and I just- I couldn’t figure out why. Kraagor- Kraagor was out, checking the town for info with Dorukan and Lirian, and you were trying the same with the local criminals, and I’d sprained my ankle so I was having a hard time walking, remember? Because Lirian had used all her healing spells earlier that day. So I stayed at the tavern.”

Girard nodded, eyes just a tad vacant- like he wasn’t really looking at the Go board in front of him anymore.

He did remember that day. He remembered it rather well. It had been steadily drizzling the whole time- the sky had been silver with clouds ever since dawn. 

They’d gotten attacked, and it was before any of them were quite beefed enough to really brush off twenty orcs. Lirian had fixed everyone’s wounds, but Serini had sprained her ankle on a root later that day (slippery mud was slippery).

Girard had gone to talk to the criminal underworld- follow up on the lead they’d gotten. Lirian, Dorukan, and Kraagor had done the same- Kraagor with the local guards and fighters, Lirian with the farmers, Dorukan with the shopkeepers and the mages. 

Originally, Serini had been set for shopkeepers and Soon set to talk to the guards, but Kraagor had said that the guards were on his way (only after he saw exactly how hollow Soon’s ash grey eyes were), and Serini couldn’t walk for that long anyway.

“He- he was sitting on the window seat, of the room he was sharing with Kraagor that night, and he was looking out the window, and he was dead silent. I just- I had happened to walk in, to see if he had any Lay on Hands left that he could use to ease the pain in my ankle till Lirian came back with that willow bark tea she’d promised, and he was crying. He was so quiet that I could barely hear it over the rain.”

Girard exhaled slowly. Serini had seriously befriended most everyone in the party- Kraagor had been last, but she had done it anyway.

He wished, now, he’d taken more time to do the same.

“It was- it was their anniversary. The first one since he lost her, and he just  _ couldn’t _ do it. And he was so afraid none of you would get it, that you’d lose all respect for him, and… well, you told me a couple years before we joined the Order that I could tell people about your dad if I deemed it necessary, yeah? So, I did. It’s probably why he was so understanding when your dad’s birthday rolled around and you didn’t talk to anyone for a full twenty-four hours. And we sat, and we talked. She liked flowers, and they’d go for walks in Azure City’s parks, and he’d buy her a bouquet every time. And for one birthday, he just got her a library full of blank journals, because she went through them so fast. Their wedding was in the castle where Mijung’s magic workshop was- and where he’d first become a paladin. And he- he had actually picked up and moved on, really well. Soon and Mijung had, from what he told me that day, the best relationship I could imagine. They’d both agreed, a long time ago, that if one of her experiments went bad, or one of his missions did, they’d both pick up and move on and be happy and, if they got the chance, fall in love again, because that was what the other would want for them, and they both made very sure they both  _ knew _ that. And Soon… he’d done it. If he ever got the chance to love again, he was taking it, and he told me that he’d actually managed to love somebody as much as he loved her.”

Girard absently picked up the black Go stone that his sister had nearly won the game with. He’d always played white, with Soon.

The irony had never been lost on either of them.

He dropped it, when Serini continued her story.

“He loved  _ us _ . He loved Kraagor, and Lirian, and Dorukan, and me, and you, and he loved all of us differently. Kraagor was his best friend- the only person truly capable of making him fall off the straight and narrow, remember? And Lirian was his sister- because his parents didn’t care and hers were gone, and they both really  _ did _ act like siblings. A little less ‘bitch’ and a little more ‘I love you’ but still. Dorukan was his brother in law- he actually stole that from you, a crack you made while we were heading back to the first rift. I was his little sibling- I swear, I almost  _ cried _ with how happy that made me.”

“And me?” Girard asked, listening to the whispered question rattle around the empty room.

Serini gave him a watery smile.

“He actually- he told me that he wasn’t applying a label to you, because he knew how much you hated being confined by anything at all.”

Girard’s hand shook as he held the black Go stone.

Shouts sounded from outside- the family was back.

“I wish the last things we’d said to each other had been different,” he whispered hoarsely.

Serini glanced at the door, getting up and walking over, pulling her spare carpet from the shadows beside it. 

She unrolled it, and pushed the pyramid door open, before turning from the approaching mob of redheads and back to Girard.

“So does he.”

With that, Serini hopped onto her carpet, flying out and up and away from the pyramid and from Girard. Kanta, Sami, and Tiran would be able to help him through it- she’d seen the wonders those three could work on her friend.

The halfling turned to the horizon, grinning a tad maniacally.

Dorukan’s assistant could do with another visit, and she could do with another bout of pestering the wizard.

She giggled at the thought of Girard’s face if he ever found out she lied about not visiting the others.

“Yeah,” Serini said, to nobody in particular, “because rogues are known for keeping their promises.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! So ends Draketooth Family Shenanigans... It's been a wild ride for sure, juggling this and all the other stuff I've got going on. 
> 
> But, of course, you're not getting rid of me that easily. It may be a few weeks before I post the first chapter, but nonetheless, Dungeon Employee Shenanigans will be written at some point.


End file.
